I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. On its best day, the site is great for social networking, catching up with old friends and spreading awareness about your own personal business ventures and life events. On its worst day, Facebook is a place for people to overindulge in self-promotion, irrelevant drama and become way too informed about other people’s personal lives. At the end of the day it’s all about discretion, and one of the things that Mark Zuckerberg has taught me is that there’s one thing people love talking about more than other people: themselves. Take a look as I poke fun at 10 annoying behaviors that you can find on “The Book.”
1. Wall of Shame
I’m thinking that one of the reasons Zuckerberg created inboxes and messaging is so that all of your friends wouldn’t have to be sucked into the whirlpool that is the drama on your wall. Arguments revealing the very indiscreet details of your sex life are best left to the privacy of your inbox, as are rants about the person you’re currently pissed at. It’s not only embarrassing to you; it’s just not something that others should be subjected to just because they clicked “Accept.”
2. The Fond Facebook Farewell
I never understood how people can allow a social networking WEBSITE (notice it’s in all caps) to cause so much stress and unhappiness in their very real lives. I refuse to lose any sleep over anyone’s status update. It’s just Facebook folks; you can log off at anytime. You don’t sound mature and sophisticated writing, “I’m so over the drama and immaturity, so unfortunately I am deleting my account…blah…blah.” You just sound like Facebook has become way too much of a priority so the only way for you to gain back your sanity is to delete yourself permanently. Facebook is a fun thing to do to comment on my life and the lives of others, but it shouldn’t be the beginning and ending of life itself.
3. I’m Too Hot For My Profile Pic
Haven’t you ever heard that when you try to look appealing, you end up looking anything but that? That vacancy in your eyes and sad pout look more like you just got a whiff of four-day-old funk and not like you should be on the Victoria’s Secret catalog cover. The best pics are the ones that are natural and relaxed. And while we’re on it, save the booty and “bust-it-wide-open” shots for when KING magazine is actually cutting you a check.
4. Game Requests
It’s bad enough that Facebook has made being in everyone’s business a part of society’s daily agenda, but now you want to ask me to tend a farm of imaginary vegetables, and ask my friends for help building rooms in my imaginary Sim’s mansion while I play endlessly in my tight studio apartment with one window? Thanks, but I’ll pass. “Just Dance 3” and “Angry Birds” are all the games I’ll ever need.
5. Subliminal Stats
Facebook reminds me of the side mirrors on my car: Objects on screen are usually softer than they appear. There’s something about a wireless connection and a keyboard that brings the tough talk out of some people. If the person you’re calling out has a Facebook account, save us all a bit of speculation and insert the “@” symbol behind their name just so we can clear up any misunderstandings. Don’t get shy now. While I understand the relief of a good anonymous vent, don’t make a habit of putting people on blast that you have no intention of squashing beef with in person. There is absolutely nothing tough or intimidating about Facebook thugging.
6. Party Promoters
Dear Facebook Club Promoters: I respect that you are using Facebook to network and increase your earning potential, but I tried that club you sent to my inbox 30 times about and guess what? It was lame. Even if they had $5 drink specials and no cover before 10 p.m. If I keep responding “No, I will not be attending,” to these events, 10 more invites won’t make me change my min.
7. The Hashtags: #GRINDING, #GETTINMONEY, or anything similar
The reason why I hate status updates that talk about how much money someone claims they are making is because nine times out of 10 it’s written by someone who is one paycheck away from poverty. Don’t talk about it, be about it. People who are really “grindin” are too busy working hard to be on Facebook alerting everyone about it. And while we’re on it, take those hashtags to Twitter and keep them there!
8. The “I’m Deleting Friends” Announcement
You’ve seen it at least once on your wall. It usually starts off with something like “Out with the old, in with the new.” I guess I am supposed to be scared now and keep my fingers crossed and pray that I make the cut. Take a page out of the Nike playbook and just do it. The world won’t go into hysteria because you’re cutting your friends list down since I’m willing to bet 60 percent of those people don’t know you personally anyway. Just saying…
9. Facebook “Places”
I’ve seen thugs check-in at the corner where they are starting their shift of “hugging the block” and I’ve seen people alerting everyone that they are presently awaiting their flight to Australia while their home sits empty and alone with all of the luxuries they’ve purchased from #GETTINMONEY. Notice the pattern? You might have better luck if you just leave a sign on your lawn that reads, “Open House: Burglars welcome.” We really don’t need to know where you are and what you’re doing at every second of the day. I’m beginning to think you all want to be stalked.
10. Shameless self-promotion
There’s nothing wrong with having some pride and congratulating yourself every now and then, but who are you trying to convince people you’re fab by taking courtside photos at basketball games? I have deleted many who go on and on endlessly about how many degrees they have or the second car they just bought. And before you accuse me of “hating,” let me reassure you that I am often the first person to congratulate someone on a job well done, given that they allow me the opportunity to do so. There’s no room for me to pat you on the back if you’re already reaching your own two hands back there all the time.